tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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