So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
