If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
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I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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