Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
