I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
