So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
