he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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