There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
