you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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