I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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