"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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