Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
