Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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