Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
