After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
