accomplished twins. life is a go
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
