No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
