you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
