Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
