I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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