so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
