just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
