What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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