Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
