i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
