she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
