Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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