and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
