On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
