one might say we're banned from that church
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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