so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
