I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
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