I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
