Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I did not marry a roomba.
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