Im at strip club and am horny
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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