I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
