Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
