Moan for me like Helen Keller
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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