I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
