I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
