you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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