i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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