one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
