you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
