At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
