it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize