Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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