o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
