so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
