I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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