when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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