that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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