I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
All the doctor said was why
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
