You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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