While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
