I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
