mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
