life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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