You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
