so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We need to get me chipped asap
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